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About Varied / Hobbyist Member 0L50NJ4United States Group :icongirls4girls: GIRLS4GIRLS
 
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(woo-hoo)
(woo-hoo)
(woo-hoo)
(woo-hoo)

well my heart knows me better than i know myself; so I'm gonna let it do all the talking. /  Maybe it's the generational divide, but you're deep n' mysterious, as the depths of my fathers eyes!
(woo-hoo)
(woo-hoo)

i came across a place in the middle of nowhere / Why Oh Why, couldn't we see!
with a big black horse and a cherry tree. / Until after you decided to,  fl-lee-ee!
(woo-hoo)
(woo-hoo)

i felt a little fear, upon my back / Oh Lightning Being, you were the king,
i said don't look back, just keep on walking. / Comedy your thing, making all lau-gh,
(woo-hoo)
(woo-hoo)

the big black horse said look this way, / Lighten-ing everyone's path,
he said hey little lady will you marry me? / easing the pain, o-of , liv-in'.
(woo-hoo)
(woo-hoo)

but i said no, no, no,no-no-no / But life yo-ou did, re-e-gret, and decided to ask;  for the check.
i said no, no, you're not the one for me / Oh Lightning Being, you did flee!
no, no, no,no-no-no / life you did, regret and decided to check out.
i said no, no, you're not the one for me / No longer able to bear,  the pain of liv-ing.
(ooooow,woo-hoo)
(ooooow,woo-hoo)

and my heart hit a problem, in the early hours, / And now I sit here and weep, begging, pleading,
so i stopped it dead for a beat or two. / Why didn't, I see!?
(woo-hoo)
(woo-hoo)

but i cut some cord, / Is it only a matter of time,
and i shouldn't have done it, / Before my own blood decides,
and it won't forgive me after all these years / to flee, instead of living this life!?
(woo-hoo)
(woo-hoo)

so i sent it to a place in the middle of nowhere / And all I see (in these recordings before me) as I look into your being,
with a big black horse and a cherry tree. / is the darkest depths of my fathers eyes.
(woo-hoo)
(woo-hoo)

now it won't come back , cause it's oh so happy / And all I see, as I look into your being,
and now i've got a hole for the world to see yeah. / is the darkest depths, of my fathers eye-eyes!
(woo-hoo)
(woo-hoo)


but it said no, no, no, / Hold your ghost,
Oh, no-no-no / in my soul
i said no, no, / unlock the key,
you're not the one for me / Are we climbers tethered by a string.
no, no, no,no-no-no /Lifeline, thin as a thread
said no, no, / Is it fraying now,
you're not the one for me / or will it yank us to our death.
(ooooow,woo-hoo)


(not the one for me, yeah!) / Will it yank us to our dea-a-th!?!
(ooooow,woo-hoo)


i said no,no, no, / Oh, Lightning Being;  it's all I see!
Ho, no, no, no, no, no / the great weight of,
you're not the one for me / your souls poverty!
no,no, / wasn't it you who said,
Oh no,no, no, / the worst pain was being,
no, no, no, no / entirely alone in a room
you're not the one for me / full of Human-beings!

big black horse, / Grab the key!
and a cherry tree / Unlock the mystery!
i can't quite get there / Warning Shout!
cause my heart forsaken me yeah,yeah,yeah / As your light, life went out, Shattered me!  
big black horse / And now I seek,
and a cherry tree / To keep this from happen-ing,
i can't quite get there / to my own family.
cause my heart forsaken me / Oh Lightning Being, YOU are the KEY!
To keep this from happening, to me.
Depths of my Fathers Eyes!

Posted: Wednesday, October 15th, 2014

Created: Last Nihgt at 2 a.m. >X-P!

Link of Song: www.youtube.com/watch?v=EA_aPY… It's K.T. Tunstall's Big Black Horse and a Cherry Tree Song

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This hit me at 2 a.m. last night. Forced to write it down.

I was pretty darn proud of it, then it started hitting me how crappy the lyrics are, but I'm still proud of them cause they are entirely original and the TRUTH, which is the MOST important to me.


This hit me from watching the Movie, “Man of the Year” and the tune played in the background while the two main actors were dancing. I like the catchy tune and my mind snatched it, clinging to it. I went to go to sleep, and of course anyone who's creative will know, that was when my creative side said, “Time to get up and do some work while she's trying to sleep.” Which of course meant I was forced to get up and write.

So not much sleep last night, tortuously, BUT at least something GOOD has come of it.

The original Poem/Song came out a bit differently than what I have it smashed and whittled down to here; in order to fit into the beat of the song. I've been working my butt off on it all day and yes have wasted another day on poetry/writing. But that's what I do.


I've posted this in such a way so that you can at least TRY to sing along, or really read along to the Original song and catch the beat the lyrics are supposed to go to. Which is WHY I posted the link to the song in this post.

I was always terrified of this song, the whole thing feeling ominous, and really that's what the words of this poem are, and so it goes along quite well. So I see what my subconscious was doing, or trying to get across, the ominous-ness of death itself and the warning of it, I guess. *Shrug!* I donno, it was 2 a.m. And really the stuff that goes through your head … and now this whole thing is starting to sound like that darn “Vanity Card” written by that one writer for Big Bang. You know the one after every episode the show airs?

(Man I'm starting to use this site as my Devinat Art page now, odd.)

Anyway, I hope you all like it and let me know what you think. =-) (Like anyone will.)

And yes, duh, it's stemming from Robin Williams, and all, duh.

And yes, this so far has no title to it.

I guess I could call it Escape

Loading...

I see my Dad in Robin Williams eyes and countenance and wonder …

When shall my dad go…

when shall I go …

Is it genetic?


Is it social?


I watch and wonder …


Are we like climbers on a mountain, tethered by one life line.


Once the first climber, the leader falls; how long before we also are taken from life. Our tethered line tearing us off this mountain we are acceding.

Despite how we fight and try, our fingertips cannot keep us clinging, alive, adhered to this mountain that is life.

So I stand, still alive for now at the top, or what seems to be the top now that the first of us is gone,

looking down into the abyss

the darkness

wondering …

how long do my father and I have left before we too are ripped down by the darkest death,

depression.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There is no hope for me, for I am already gone

All I have is his ghost to carry me on.


S.O.

  • Mood: Anguish
  • Listening to: Robin William's Echos
  • Reading: Nothing anymore.
  • Watching: Time move FAR to FAST! >X-P!
  • Playing: Nothing anymore.
  • Eating: Air.
  • Drinking: Water
Die Die
I'm supposed to die
worthless worthless
I'm worthless
not supposed to be alive
not supposed to be alive
these things I'm told
on a daily basis I know
prejudice is real and alive
prejudice is real and alive

when I first moved here
told I'm not supposed to exist
every girl in the fifth grade
tromped in and told me to commit suicide
though at the time I did not realize
the very words they were speaking
slow slide into middle school and I was despised
and as I did sit and ponder it all, like a seeping ocean
imbued into my subconscious, my soul
the hatred of them all, my teachers, staff administrators,
my peers, out to strangle me, make sure I did not succeed
education was ripped from me
seen as stupid, yet picked on, mind games they did play
as though I was intelligent,
screamed at, verbally beaten, socially (?)
forced to drop out I had no clout
Mom saved me
got me to study for my GED,
received it and on to college
our dream yeah.
First to graduate, receive a diploma
that even my parents do not have, yeah!
First female in my family on both sides
to get a degree of any kind
these things I am proud of, being the first child
at least I have something to my name
that I am not ashamed of
and can hold my head up for

but college did not turn out to
give me the job it said it could, it would
illness always my fate, undiagnosed, society disposing of me
in whatever way it can it seems
there is no help for my kind I see

bills piling up, man this is rough
You ain't worth shit
cause you ain't got a pot to piss in
the bill collectors call saying they've had enough
of my delinquency
well, you can't get blood from a stone
but I've found they can liquify that which makes up the rock
and quantify if that is enough
to pay with my bones the bills overcome-ing my head
I should be dead,
more financial feasible to be liquidated

and so I sit here and rock
having had enough
sorry I was ever created, conceived, born at all
I weep, scream, weep and seethe,
being told by all of society that I should not be
should have never been created, or conceived
I weep for those just as me.
Wondering if I am entirely alone
my call outs not echoed back
except for my voice alone
Loneliness I am, a tortured soul
this is the name my Mother finally conceded,
and she did crown me with as my title
as I wept and writhed at her feet
one day
one terrible, tortured day

And as I writhed,
time passing
by hour, by day, by year, by decade
the bills and my dismay piling up,
beyond my sanity
this is finally the end of me
for my brain and psyche can take no more

Die Die
I'm supposed to die
Worthless, Worthless
I'm worthless
Not supposed to be alive
Not supposed to be alive
I have no right to live
with the debt I'm in
Not supposed to exist
Not supposed to exist
I'm Yankee shit,
not even worth the air I'm breathin'
these things I'm told
on a daily basis, from my own family, I know
Society did slip into my siblings minds
and say I'm not even worth the gun for a suicide
worthless chicken shit
the lowest insult that can give


And then it hit me
on my death suicide
that life is not all money
life is not all acceptance
life is not all welcoming

and so I decided to scratch the chalk board of life
screeching out my voice
my call
splatter graffiti my blood
my core across
this life, this world
and my voice is love
the definition being
acceptance, understanding,
welcoming,
kindness, caring, softness, calm, peace,
soothing, salve on souls
and
one more lesson,
greatest of all
I just had shoved into my soul
what has saved my life
happiness, laughter and jokes
to scream and cry it all out,
and laugh it all off
the bigotry, calamity, prejudice against all and me
if you can turn it around
make a joke out of the inequality that abound
walls society is trying to keep up and construct now
if you can make fun of it
that is the greatest power around
and through these means we can tear down
to laugh
to joke
is hope
itself
to let go
let it all go
and light, brightness
like the stars in the sky
there's points of joy twinkling your own
and everybody’s' eyes.
So be the sun light
lightning in the night
just as the greatest comedian
did
and has taught me
to carry on in his stead
I do now try to be
that lightning of life
sunlight bright
rainbow hope to all
laughing it all off now
for this is hope itself
and therefore life
itself.
For these things, this laughter I can carry on
and hope, life, health has been imbued
into my being now
I know
I know
and I shall
live for him, and myself
for everyone now
life-lightning itself.
Joy.
Happiest light and joy.
Explosion bright.
Just like the sunlight
wiping away the darkest night
that is me now
calling out
to others like me
hopeless, lost in darkness
debt over their heads
laugh for just a little while
and forget your strife
it'll be alright
it's alright
for there is now light
carrying on
despite the night and the yawning darkness we trudge through
we shall stake points of light
and connect them up
shining bright
brighter than a lightning strike
brighter than the sun lighting the planet we live on
so laugh tonight
if we continue on in this
we, our cause shall never be done
it shall always go on
life will be worth living
on, and on and on.
My Life Supposed to Die
Posted: Friday, October 10th 2014  5:00 p.m.


This came to me today as is, no real editing at all here. I hae been wanting my whole life to put my life's story into one poem and out of the blue it thankfully happened.  yes, I know it's free verse, and it doesn't really rhyme. This caem otu as is, just the way it is. No editing except for one or two misspellings, so there.

Pretty much my whole life in one poem/song as I call it.
I wish and hope to have this made into a song some day but for now it's as is.

it feels in my soul to be unfinished, I don't know what else to put and I will write more, I feel it, but for now I'm posting it as is.
It's kinda tied up, so that's good. =-)
And yeah, it's not perfect and I'm not trying to live for Robin Williams, or his happiness that he shared with the world, nor am I living for anyone else in the world or to bring joy to the world, though I would LOVE to be able to bring joy to the world as he did; but without sacrificing my soul like he did, though.
Sadly I am a rather depressed individual and don't seem to be able to bring joy to the whole world, but I am fighting and trying HARD to be happier.
...
Anyway, I've rambled enough.
To anyone who reads this, know who I am a spittle or a smattering of what happened to me in my life, who I am and what has occurred in my life.
and well, let me know what you think ... maybe, I guess.
;-D
5.0. =-)
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Robin Williams I'm writing this because of him. …

It made me finally face something I have not been wanting to face much less admit to.

His death as of recently for whatever odd reason hit me HARD.

To say the least.

I do not know why. I was never a fan of his, really. I liked his stand up and yes he was getting a bit in my opinion disconnected from the current world. But his jokes always made me laugh.

In my darkest times and hours, in physical illness and mental/emotional illness he made me laugh.

And this is NOT a small feat.

His comedy to me was like a drug.

A STRONG drug.

Needed to be taken in SMALL doses.

For if you got too much of it then you were screwed.

For me at least.

For me there was no comedian better than him. And if you go to your best drug all the time you become dependent and unable to get any kind of high off any other drug. For this reason I made sure to only watch him when I needed the STRONGEST shit.

And only the strongest.

When I was unable to even smile, always if I watched one of his FULL routines I'd at the very least be able to smile in the dead middle of it.

Always.

When I was in too much pain physically to ill, or too depressed to even live any longer I'd watch his stuff and I'd not only smile in the center of it, I'd actually pop or squeeze out one laugh.

Only one.

The rest of the act I'd be dead just as I was through the beginning of it, but I would laugh.

And that was what mattered.

And through that laugh I'd eventually be able to drag on and eventually live again.

Get up again and become living again.

After the end of his act.

But this is a tangent and beside the point.

What I am here to speak of pertains to this, but is in a way entirely separate from it.

It is my art.

Or lack thereof as of late.

This is something that I confessed to my Mother not long ago.

My art is my only way of connecting, having the friendship and love that I have always needed and wanted.

I am trying to draw, paint, HAVE that which I do not have.

Can not have.

Will never have.

(My fingers feeling the very love, kindness, kind caring, acceptance, understanding that does not exist for me. Touching the flesh before me as if it were real, not a page. Sculpting out of paint, pencils and paper that which was at one time alive in me,my very core. Recording on a page that which I felt, was me, my core, my being. Leaving a bit of me for the world to EXPERIENCE, FEEL, and Know. )

Because of this, doing my art has become hurtful to me.

A pain to my soul.

As if I'm stabbing out my very soul, heart, core.

This is why I have been unable to create anything as of late.

That's it.

Loneliness is a real thing, as physical and real as the world around us.

It as as killing, suffocating, controlling as chains.

As a belt.

Binding and refusing to let go.


I have fought long and hard against this, this killing disease,

darkness.

I am fading and weak.

My soul is turning to dust, or “dusting” as I call it.

That which was once binding me together, like a gel or water, blood even, is gone now. I think it was love, life, and vigor. A fire for life itself and hope.

(But hope is a four letter word, and all hope is false. This si the truth, no matter how terrible this may seem learn it. And flee from hope or it will devour you and suck the very marrow out of your bones.)

And that's the way I feel, as if some vampire is sucking the very marrow out of my deep innermost core.
My very soul.

Stopping me from physically moving ahead, or even breathing any longer. (Though I am fighting this, it, whatever this depression this loneliness disease is HARD.)

All that remains are the molecules, the grains of my very soul.

And they ache.

With a pain so sharp, so out of experience, explanation that it is literally a physical pain in my very body.

My chest physically hurt when I was young and I grew frigid in body from the terribly torturous loneliness.

It has now gone far, far beyond that.

I never thought it could get worse but as the years passed and this problem has festered it has only deepened and grown.

Far beyond mind, explanation, anything I can scarcely describe in any fashion or language as far as I know.

I have not said anything but now I am, it is shutting down my very body.

So if anyone tells you you can not die of emotions, (or even humiliation) you now know other wise.

If let untreated it can and does eventually kill.

Just as it does the old and ill.

I do not know how much longer I have, but know this; loneliness does, in the end at least, allow you the peace of death.

For in this one can escape the hell that is life.

At least in eternal rest know I will hopefully be at peace and will no longer be suffering, forced to fight against a disease that is killing me.

No longer will I be forced to strive against my very will, to live, to fight, to cling to life which never wanted me.

I am truly and utterly darkness and death itself.

And maybe it's not so bad to pass away from the living world.

Maybe it's not so bad because in death I shall finally escape all this and be truly and eternally free.

=-)


I do not want to hurt my family and worry about this.

They are rightfully worried about me, I am fading fast despite my best efforts to fight this.

I have tried to prepare them and it is inevitable, but still my Mother at least refuses to accept.

I am truly worried and do not like telling the world about this.

Do not worry for me, anyone who reads this.

I am fighting, though I am losing, I am fighting.

Against my very will to let go and just die, just relax and let it all be over with.


Disease is a funny thing, despite your best efforts it always wins.

(I wonder if Gregory House said that?)


S.O.


  • Mood: Anguish
  • Listening to: The BLASTING T.V. or dead silence
  • Reading: Nothing anymore.
  • Watching: Time move FAR to FAST! >X-P!
  • Playing: Nothing anymore.
  • Eating: Air.
  • Drinking: Water

I see my Dad in Robin Williams eyes and countenance and wonder …

When shall my dad go…

when shall I go …

Is it genetic?


Is it social?


I watch and wonder …


Are we like climbers on a mountain, tethered by one life line.


Once the first climber, the leader falls; how long before we also are taken from life. Our tethered line tearing us off this mountain we are acceding.

Despite how we fight and try, our fingertips cannot keep us clinging, alive, adhered to this mountain that is life.

So I stand, still alive for now at the top, or what seems to be the top now that the first of us is gone,

looking down into the abyss

the darkness

wondering …

how long do my father and I have left before we too are ripped down by the darkest death,

depression.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There is no hope for me, for I am already gone

All I have is his ghost to carry me on.


S.O.

  • Mood: Anguish
  • Listening to: Robin William's Echos
  • Reading: Nothing anymore.
  • Watching: Time move FAR to FAST! >X-P!
  • Playing: Nothing anymore.
  • Eating: Air.
  • Drinking: Water

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0L50NJ4's Profile Picture
0L50NJ4

Artist | Hobbyist | Varied
United States
I'm miserable, and I've decided that for the rest of the time I have to be alive I want to be happy and enjoy my life and have as enjoyable a life as I can.
In order for me to enjoy myself I NEED to
1. Move out and live on my own.
2. Move to a LIBERAL DEMOCRAT State that is NOT tied down. ( One that accepts gays as NORMAL PEOPLE and gives them their FULL RIGHTS and gives them the FULL RIGHT TO MARRY. :) :thumbsup: :thumbsup: :D )
3. Go back to school and obtain an Art Degree. :-)
4. Last but not least the first initial thing I'll have to do before I can do any of the above is Pay Off my Skyrocketing Medical bills.More then likely I'll have to set up payment plans and will NEVER pay them off, but still this is my goal. But since the prospect of actually paying them off is well, not realistic I listed this as last.
5. And since were getting into day dreams here, Be physically well.
Sadly this one may not be able to be accomplished. But if I get enough money I might be able to go to some place that has the resources and technology along with medical advancements hat are far enough ahead to be able to at least diagnose what is wrong with me.


Buying anything that I sell will help me in my goals and to obtain a better life for myself.

Granted I listed my wants in order of me being able to accomplish them. Sadly I am so far behind in my medical bills (which are compounding because of interest )that when it comes to entirely paying off any medical bills I highly doubt this will happen. Especially if I end up being able to go somewhere that gives cutting edge research. Then of course my bills will just never be paid off entirely, I'll just end up paying them off bit by bit as best I can for the rest of my life.

But to put aside this depressing bit I'd very much like to be able to be happy and live as healthy as I can for the remaining life I have left.
In order to do this though I'll have to move out and into a state that allows me to have rights and think the way I want to, and believe the way I want to.
I can not do that now. :(!

So I'm going to do my damnedest to sell my art and anything you buy will make my life a better one and at the least a little less stressful. :)

So thank you anyone who comes along and likes my stuff enough to buy it and may god Bless You for buying from me. :)
Thank You. :) :hug: :love: :tighthug: :love: :hug:
:)
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:iconrinee-tan:
Rinee-tan Featured By Owner Oct 10, 2014  Student General Artist
Thank you for :+fav:ing my art! u// v //u
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You're Welcome =-)
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Thanks for the fave! (: 
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Welcome =-)
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Madam--Kitty Featured By Owner May 14, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist

Hi. wanna join my group called Anti-illuminati-01? anti-illuminati-01.deviantart.…

P.S. The group is about politics in case you were wondering.

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0L50NJ4 Featured By Owner Jun 11, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
well, I'm hardly on here so not right now. But thanks anyway. =-)
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AniqeAnuk Featured By Owner Apr 28, 2014   Photographer
Thank you for the :+fav:'s:hug:
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0L50NJ4 Featured By Owner Jun 11, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
You're Welcome =-)
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Thank you for the fav! ~ Hug Thanks for everything! 
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Welcome =-)
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