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About Varied / Hobbyist 0L50NJ4United States Group :icongirls4girls: GIRLS4GIRLS
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Deviant for 3 Years
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"Don't Go Out With Out A Shout!"

I'm extremely ill and have been for some time now.
I feel like I'm dying and might possibly be.
I hope not.
But I decided to get on here and let anyone left who comes by know I might not make it, though I am fighting hard. Terribly and sadly my body is winning against me.
Just in case, if I don't do anything with this page or account, posting an update, or art, poetry, etc. what have you for about five years from this year (2015) then more than likely I have passed away.
I give myself such a long period of time because I rarely get on here now. And if I get terribly ill then I might not be able to post for some time.
But for whatever reason I feel a responsibility to you all, anyone who comes by.
And I have learned a lesson from Robin Williams death, a phrase I coined, "Don't go out without a shout" meaning, don't leave people hanging, wondering why, what happened, leaving them in shock and dismay, to try and decipher what caused your death, and pick up the pieces, trying to fit them together into a coherent whole. Give, or actually reconstruct, or independently create answers and reasons that only the deceased can give.  For only the deceased knows what and why, how, they passed away.
Don't leave people wondering why in the world you suddenly passed away. What caused your death.
So I am here, letting you all know what is up with me and giving you a snippet, a hint of the illness I have been fighting.
Bad kidneys and dehydration.
Terrible dehydration.
It has stolen my mind and body and is now, once again, threatening to steal my very life, my very breath.
I am fighting it, but my body is winning.
Pray for me, that I win the fight and am able to actually live, thrive, and do what I had planned.
Give life and thriving life to others out there, who have also been bullied into silence. And fix things, correct problems, inaccuracies, misunderstandings, and bring peace. Soothing calm, rest, salves for souls, and be a part of the "You Will Rise Project" and create my art for it.
For I have not been able to do this.
Overall, I wish I could have set up my own anti-bullying foundation and many other non-profit charities.
(One of them being a bottled water and "gift card" thing, where people buy gift cards for hotels/motels, fast food restaurants, etc. and give out water and gift cards to the homeless so they can shower, shave and sleep in a bed for the night, in a hotel/motel. And be able to go into say McDonald's and be fed. I learned that the main danger while homeless is being dehydrated. Giving out merely a bottle of water to someone standing on the corner can save their life. If you feel bad about giving out money, worried these people might use it on booze or drugs then this would wipe away that worry. This would give them shelter, safety, or at least food and life saving water.  I wanted to create a charity that would encourage people to go out and buy and give these items, or give to us so we could go out and buy these gift cards and bottled water/bottles to fill with water then hand it out ourselves to those standing on the street corners. It would save them, if only for a night, or another day.)
I also wanted to make YouTube Videos of art, encouraging and teaching, making people smile and spreading happiness through my videos. Making it so everyone can learn to draw, paint, color, etc. etc.
Maybe even writing videos, teaching about poetry, and story writing. How to write and the different types and kinds of poetry and story telling out there, even script writing, all types and kinds. And introducing people to famous "Classical" authors. From Maya Angelou and back, much further back.
I also wanted and much greatly needed to start my own anti-bullying campaigns/charities/not-for-profits.

Anyway, my brains are gone and I've spilled my soul here, enough I hope to encourage other people to go out and do my ideas; for I cannot and will not be able to do them.
At all.
Sadly and terribly.
Please, for me, take what I have written here, anyone that cares, and do your best to do my ideas and spread kind tenderness, understanding, acceptance, a hand up and help; for only through these times can there be hope.
And in Robin Williams steed, spread hope, happiness, laughter and joyful ebullience. For these give life, and a reason, the food of the soul to keep on living.
They do.
They really really do.
I have found just recently that Laughter and Happiness CAN save your soul. =-)

I see my Dad in Robin Williams eyes and countenance and wonder …

When shall my dad go…

when shall I go …

Is it genetic?

Is it social?

I watch and wonder …

Are we like climbers on a mountain, tethered by one life line.

Once the first climber, the leader falls; how long before we also are taken from life. Our tethered line tearing us off this mountain we are acceding.

Despite how we fight and try, our fingertips cannot keep us clinging, alive, adhered to this mountain that is life.

So I stand, still alive for now at the top, or what seems to be the top now that the first of us is gone,

looking down into the abyss

the darkness

wondering …

how long do my father and I have left before we too are ripped down by the darkest death,



There is no hope for me, for I am already gone

All I have is his ghost to carry me on.


  • Mood: Anguish
  • Listening to: Robin William's Echos
  • Reading: Nothing anymore.
  • Watching: Time move FAR to FAST! >X-P!
  • Playing: Nothing anymore.
  • Eating: Air.
  • Drinking: Water


0L50NJ4's Profile Picture

Artist | Hobbyist | Varied
United States
I'm miserable, and I've decided that for the rest of the time I have to be alive I want to be happy and enjoy my life and have as enjoyable a life as I can.
In order for me to enjoy myself I NEED to
1. Move out and live on my own.
2. Move to a LIBERAL DEMOCRAT State that is NOT tied down. ( One that accepts gays as NORMAL PEOPLE and gives them their FULL RIGHTS and gives them the FULL RIGHT TO MARRY. :) :thumbsup: :thumbsup: :D )
3. Go back to school and obtain an Art Degree. :-)
4. Last but not least the first initial thing I'll have to do before I can do any of the above is Pay Off my Skyrocketing Medical bills.More then likely I'll have to set up payment plans and will NEVER pay them off, but still this is my goal. But since the prospect of actually paying them off is well, not realistic I listed this as last.
5. And since were getting into day dreams here, Be physically well.
Sadly this one may not be able to be accomplished. But if I get enough money I might be able to go to some place that has the resources and technology along with medical advancements hat are far enough ahead to be able to at least diagnose what is wrong with me.

Buying anything that I sell will help me in my goals and to obtain a better life for myself.

Granted I listed my wants in order of me being able to accomplish them. Sadly I am so far behind in my medical bills (which are compounding because of interest )that when it comes to entirely paying off any medical bills I highly doubt this will happen. Especially if I end up being able to go somewhere that gives cutting edge research. Then of course my bills will just never be paid off entirely, I'll just end up paying them off bit by bit as best I can for the rest of my life.

But to put aside this depressing bit I'd very much like to be able to be happy and live as healthy as I can for the remaining life I have left.
In order to do this though I'll have to move out and into a state that allows me to have rights and think the way I want to, and believe the way I want to.
I can not do that now. :(!

So I'm going to do my damnedest to sell my art and anything you buy will make my life a better one and at the least a little less stressful. :)

So thank you anyone who comes along and likes my stuff enough to buy it and may god Bless You for buying from me. :)
Thank You. :) :hug: :love: :tighthug: :love: :hug:

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FlamesofSugar Featured By Owner Edited Jan 30, 2015  Hobbyist Digital Artist
It's very late...but happy new year. :happycry:
Francoise-Evelyne Featured By Owner Dec 22, 2014
Hi! I just wanted to tell that I finished my exploding head that you :+fav:ed once :).
Fokshe Featured By Owner Oct 10, 2014  Student General Artist
Thank you for :+fav:ing my art! u// v //u
0L50NJ4 Featured By Owner Oct 10, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
You're Welcome =-)
CloakedApprentice Featured By Owner Jul 2, 2014  Student General Artist
Thanks for the fave! (: 
0L50NJ4 Featured By Owner Sep 27, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Welcome =-)
Madam--Kitty Featured By Owner May 14, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist

Hi. wanna join my group called Anti-illuminati-01? anti-illuminati-01.deviantart.…

P.S. The group is about politics in case you were wondering.

0L50NJ4 Featured By Owner Jun 11, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
well, I'm hardly on here so not right now. But thanks anyway. =-)
AniqeAnuk Featured By Owner Apr 28, 2014   Photographer
Thank you for the :+fav:'s:hug:
0L50NJ4 Featured By Owner Jun 11, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
You're Welcome =-)
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